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jokes, funny pics... anything for the lolz
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eccles
 
 
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Post by eccles »

A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says "Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
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Post by eccles »

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane.
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Post by eccles »

This one isn't humorous but I liked the answer. It was in a God vs Atheism thread.

Atheists, if you had a small child and they asked where the world came from, what would your answer to them be? God is a simple straightforward answer, after all, but science can be complicated.

My five year old daughter asked me this question just last week, and I told her that a giant cloud of gas and dust in space collapsed to form the sun in the middle and the left over dust came together to form the Earth.

She understood perfectly, and in fact became so fascinated by the story that for the next few days straight she kept asking me to tell her the “story of how the Earth was born” again. And again.

And again.

Each time I added more details and moved a little further ahead in time. The third time I introduced the idea of gravity when she asked why the gas cloud collapsed. The fifth time I mentioned that some people think an older star exploded nearby and the explosion shook the gas cloud which helped it collapse faster. She loved the episode with the Big Crash that created the moon. And she thought it was hilarious when the whole world froze over and turned into an ice ball.

When we got to the origin of life she had no issue with accepting that “no one knows where and how the first little living bugs, too small to see, got born, but once they did they spread out until they lived everywhere there was water”.

We’ve skimmed through the appearance of animals, the Cambrian Explosion, the Age of Sea Scorpions, the Age of Fish, the Age of the Amphibians and Giant Bugs, the Age of Reptiles, the Great Dying, the origin of mammals, the reign of the Dinosaurs, the big rock that killed the dinosaurs, the birds being surviving dinosaurs, the Age of Mammals, the first apes coming from monkeys, the first people coming from apes, the invention of stone tools, the discovery of fire, the spreading around the world, the ice ages, the invention of farming and the creation of the first cities.

She was never once remotely confused by the general story and was always full of questions about the details. Some of which I did have to resort to “I’ll tell you more when you’re older” and “I don’t actually know the answer to that one”.

Never assume that “complicated” is any sort of roadblock to the mind of a curious child. They positively thrive on complicated.
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Post by TRavine »

eccles wrote: Thu Dec 29, 2022 6:19 pm This one isn't humorous but I liked the answer. It was in a God vs Atheism thread.

Atheists, if you had a small child and they asked where the world came from, what would your answer to them be? God is a simple straightforward answer, after all, but science can be complicated.

My five year old daughter asked me this question just last week, and I told her that a giant cloud of gas and dust in space collapsed to form the sun in the middle and the left over dust came together to form the Earth.

She understood perfectly, and in fact became so fascinated by the story that for the next few days straight she kept asking me to tell her the “story of how the Earth was born” again. And again.

And again.

Each time I added more details and moved a little further ahead in time. The third time I introduced the idea of gravity when she asked why the gas cloud collapsed. The fifth time I mentioned that some people think an older star exploded nearby and the explosion shook the gas cloud which helped it collapse faster. She loved the episode with the Big Crash that created the moon. And she thought it was hilarious when the whole world froze over and turned into an ice ball.

When we got to the origin of life she had no issue with accepting that “no one knows where and how the first little living bugs, too small to see, got born, but once they did they spread out until they lived everywhere there was water”.

We’ve skimmed through the appearance of animals, the Cambrian Explosion, the Age of Sea Scorpions, the Age of Fish, the Age of the Amphibians and Giant Bugs, the Age of Reptiles, the Great Dying, the origin of mammals, the reign of the Dinosaurs, the big rock that killed the dinosaurs, the birds being surviving dinosaurs, the Age of Mammals, the first apes coming from monkeys, the first people coming from apes, the invention of stone tools, the discovery of fire, the spreading around the world, the ice ages, the invention of farming and the creation of the first cities.

She was never once remotely confused by the general story and was always full of questions about the details. Some of which I did have to resort to “I’ll tell you more when you’re older” and “I don’t actually know the answer to that one”.

Never assume that “complicated” is any sort of roadblock to the mind of a curious child. They positively thrive on complicated.
This is lovely! :clapping :clapping
"I'm not sure I'd know how to dabble." 8-)
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Post by eccles »

Topical!
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Post by eccles »

First day out without his mum? (jacket)
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Post by eccles »

How big is Donald Trump's vocabulary?

It’s big, so big. They say it’s big but it’s even bigger. They never seen one so big. Everyone knows it, they all know it. It’s the biggest - like nobody ever saw before. Words, there are so many words, like, more words, so many, so many. Nobody knew there were so many words, they can’t believe it. They can’t believe it but it’s true, so true. But they can’t believe it they look and they can’t believe it, so many words. They look and they can’t believe there are so many. Words and, the words that, everybody is looking, and they are seeing and they can’t believe there are so many. So many. So many words. All of them. Like never before.
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Post by eccles »

:D
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Post by eccles »

Why didn't Hitler invade the UK through the chunnel instead of attempting an amphibious landing?

The British devised a really cunning plan to ensure that no-one could invade through the channel tunnel during the 1939–45 war, it was foolproof and required minimal forces to guard it.

We knew that Germans like British have the unwritten rules of the Queue ingrained in thier very souls as a cultural norm, we also knew that Hitler was an impatient man and that we would grow frustrated in a queue

So in 1939 the decision was taken not to continue with the tunnel untill 1988, we correctly predicted that Hitler simply would not queue for 48 years waiting for it

We were right……….
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Post by Patience »

Speaking of queues…
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Post by eccles »

:lol
Count me out being an ant then. I can barely lift my own weight getting out of bed in the morning.
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Post by eccles »

C average but A for ingenuity?

What was a loophole that you found and exploited the hell out of?

8th grade typing class (required curriculum at the time - on actual manual typewriters) was assessed by weekly speed typing tests. You were given a couple of pages of prose to copy as fast as you could in a one minute period and as error-free as possible. The purpose of the class was to teach speed ‘touch typing’ so you weren't supposed to look at the keyboard while you typed. The grade was based on an average of how many words you typed (more words equaled a higher score; and the number of words required for an “A” increased each week) - and the number of errors made (No errors was an “A”, 1 error “B”, 2 errors “C”, and so on on down to"F”). The two grades were added together and averaged.

After the first test I quickly realized 2 things: 1) I sucked at speed touch typing and 2) that an A for speed and an “F” for errors averaged to a C.

So during the week I tried hard on the lessons to type correctly. But during the graded Friday test, as soon as the teacher said go and started the clock, I didn't even look at the prose and instead just typed as fast as I could, I had the best “speed” in the class! Of course it was all gibberish so I also had the worst “error” rate as well - but it averaged to a “C”. The teacher always scowled when I turned in my test …
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Post by eccles »

:)
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Post by eccles »

"There is supposed to be a Jehovah Witness advent calendar available, with 24 doors, each day you have to knock on the appropriate door, it opens, and a different voice shouts out ’F*ck off’"
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Post by Philipaholt »

eccles wrote: Thu Jan 19, 2023 3:56 pm "There is supposed to be a Jehovah Witness advent calendar available, with 24 doors, each day you have to knock on the appropriate door, it opens, and a different voice shouts out ’F*ck off’"
:rofl

Accurate
The secret of life lies in laughter and humility. —GKC
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Post by eccles »

Everyone will have felt this..
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Post by eccles »

A lawyer tries to trick a Chinese Doctor into giving him $100

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100".

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic

Lawyer: I have lost my sense for taste

Doctor: Nurse, bring medicines from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth

Lawyer: Ugh, this is kerosene

Doctor: congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money

Lawyer: I have lost my memory. I can't remember anything.

Doctor:Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and puts 3 drop in his mouth

Lawyer:{annoyed} This is kerosene. You gave me this last time for restoring my taste.

Doctor:congrats. You got back your memory. Give me $20

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: my eyesight has become very weak. I can't see at all

Doctor: well I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100

Lawyer :{staring at the note} but this is $20 not $100.

Doctor: congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20
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