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jokes, funny pics... anything for the lolz
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Post by eccles »

coffee.jpg
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Post by Panikos »

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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Post by eccles »

An old one but a good one. :D :up
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Rushmore.jpg
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Post by eccles »

What is meant by being British?

Being British means going to an Irish pub to drink a Belgian beer, then driving back in a German car. At home we sit on a Swedish sofa, turn on a Japanese television and watch an American show about Mexican drug dealers, all the while being distrustful of anything foreign.
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Post by Panikos »

"From the Canadian side" made me wish for a LIKE button. :lol
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Post by eccles »

japan.jpg
.. or maybe they do?
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Post by eccles »

The £50 pound note

It's a slow day in the town and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through the town, stops at a hotel, and lays a £50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

(now... pay attention)

The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier.

The guy at the supplier takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

Now, the hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes back down the stairs, stating that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the £50 pound note and leaves.

No one produced anything and no one earned anything!

However... the whole village now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee!

And that, my friends, is how a government works!
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Post by eccles »

O’Riley is at his bench in the garden shed, cutting a hole out of a large King Edward’s potato, and delicately fitting the guts of a clock into it.
Mrs.O’Riley brings him a cup of tea, and asks, “ Wodda fock’r you DOIN’ wid dat perteatta and dat clock?!”
O’Riley replies, “ Wasn’t I late for work d’ udder day, an’ d’ boss … didn’t he say I have to get a potato clock! “
Mrs. O’Riley says, “ DAT’s d’ OLDEST FOCKIN’ JOKE I’ve heard in YEARS!! Don’t tell me dat some Fockin’ EEJIT is gonna post dis on Quora ??!!”
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Post by eccles »

Was it?

"Before was was was, was was is."
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Post by eccles »

I've been watching my weight.
It's still there.
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Post by eccles »

One for flat earthers?
main-qimg-fa0a4ca46e2c82eabacbfb8ce9165f53-lq.jpg
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Post by eccles »

Why doesn't Hungary eat Turkey if they're so hungry?

If you Czech, that would be much Greece, and there's Norway you could eat it without it getting Moldova. Unless you are Russian your dinner, and then you'd be Belgium loudly, which Francely would get your Azerbaijanned from polite tables and lead to stomach Spains, and Denmarks on your underwear.
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piercings.jpg
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Post by eccles »

Why is "England" and "Britain" not the same thing, yet they're both parts of the UK?

Your arse and your elbow are not the same thing, yet they’re both parts of the same moron.
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Post by eccles »

One that Merry might appreciate.
Emily.jpg
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Post by eccles »

New war memorial seen in Moscow
war memorial.jpg
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Post by eccles »

Tricky Jar

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample.”

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him.

So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbour???”

The old man replies, “Yep, not one of us could get the jar open.”
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Post by eccles »

Do the British eat their food cold?

Sometimes. I did try frying my ice cream once but, to be honest, the results weren’t great.
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Post by eccles »

These are apparently from a guy called Dave Staley. I've never heard of him. They are one liners similar to those by Stewart Francis or Gary Delaney. For those who are not natural English speakers it can sometimes help to say the line out loud.

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
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