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jokes, funny pics... anything for the lolz
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eccles
 
 
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Hi ho...
A friend had a minor bumper bash and admitted that it was his fault for not concentrating. He got out of his car to apologize and give his details to the other driver.
He then saw that the car he had damaged belonged to a man who had dwarfism and he had climbed out of his car in a terrible rage, swearing and shouting terrible abuse at my friend.
When the man had finished his tirade my friend quietly apologized and gave him his number and address and his insurance agent's number.
The short man was still very belligerent and finished up with saying “ I'm not happy you know “ my friend said “ oh, so which one are you then?”
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If a ceiling fan fell and cut my head off, could it grow back naturally?

No. We would have to fit a new ceiling fan.
In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.
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If evolution is true, why won’t evolutionists adopt a batch of monkeys and teach them to sing nursery rhymes in order to speed up the evolution process?

It’s odd you know, I did just that a couple of years back. It was going really well, with my chimps learning The Wheels on the Colobus, when Bubbles, the cheeky little bugger, hit on the idea of changing the words. Baa Banana Black Sheep, Banana Bridge is falling down, Hey Diddle Diddle the Cat and the Banana, Mary had a little Banana, etc. He thought he was really clever, but I had to point out that while the inner conflict between the conception of banana as Artiodactyla, and it’s symbolic representation as the tool of a non-vegan ideology counterpointing the inherent danger of failure, as symbolised by the banana skin, Bubbles stormed off mumbling something about “Descartes and Wittgenstein” and “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent”, and wouldn’t come off the tyre swing for the rest of the week.

Honestly, it’s quicker to let evolution do it’s thing.
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The young doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed”.
In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.
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eccles wrote: Sun Mar 12, 2023 1:04 pm The young doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed”.
🤣🤣🤣
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Post by eccles »

:)
main-qimg-4212b4e7100407b1847ff28ef23d03c2.jpg
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Post by merry »

:rofl
"... not to be told a story, but to live inside a dream." - Hades, The Burnt City
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Changing the clocks.
busy...jpg
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What is the most British gag ever?

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about what would you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath … throw the washing in.

However, the bloke at the next table said, "My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."

F*ck me! Embarrassed!

So, to ease the tension I said, "Sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No. He choked on a sock."
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Post by dianakc »

eccles wrote: Mon Apr 10, 2023 12:44 pm What is the most British gag ever?

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about what would you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath … throw the washing in.

However, the bloke at the next table said, "My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."

F*ck me! Embarrassed!

So, to ease the tension I said, "Sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No. He choked on a sock."
LOL 😆
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If you sat next to a famous celebrity in a restaurant, would you start a conversation? What would you say?

I was dating a lady i really liked and, in an attempt to impress her, I took her to the most expensive restaurant in town.

I needed to excuse myself to use the men's room and, as I stood up, I noticed Elton John sitting at one of the tables.

My mind hit upon an idea so I approached him, apologised profusely for disturbing him, and told I was trying to impress my date. I asked if he would mind coming to my table (on my return from the loo) and making out that I was a long, lost friend. To my surprise, he agreed!

Soon after my return to my lady-friend, Elton came over and said, “John! Wow! I thought it was you! I haven't seen you in ages! How you doing, man?”

My friend was wide-eyed… especially when I said, “F*** off, Elton! Can't you see I'm busy?”
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Newton's swing
main-qimg-850340075f3b5dace245fbbf8717a853.jpg
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unfriending.jpg
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My son smashed a mirror and took a part of it, then he ate it. Is there any advice?

Sit him down and ask him to reflect on what he’s done.
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Why hasn’t any evolutionist recorded a monkey giving birth to a human before?

Monkeys are notoriously difficult to negotiate with as far as recording rights go. Any hint of recording and they’re on their phone to their agent, banging on about percentages and exorbitant demands for pre-peeled bananas. It’s really not worth the wrecked studio and poo on the walls, and the tyres are always swinging around and bashing the microphones anyway.

For a more thorough treatment of the subject, you should read “A Storm Brewing. The Typhoo Years” by Chuckles the Chimp.
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run.jpg
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Captchas are getting harder.
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Did you know Britain has invaded 90% of the countries in the world? British people, how does it feel to be part of the biggest war-mongering nation in history?

It's been a while since I mongered a war. I remember my dear old mother pushing me outside with the end of her broom, shouting between her tobacco-blackened tombsone teeth,

“Get off yer arse, yer little shit! Those wars won't monger themselves! Go and make yerself less useless! There's mongering to be done. And wars to do it to. And you to do the mongering. Be off with yer - go and find a nice pacifist country and f*cking pacify it some more.”

Bless her. Mother's love, eh.
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What do British people generally think of Rudyard Kipling?

He made exceedingly good cakes…
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Was British Leyland as bad as everyone made out?

I went on a Total Quality course when they were the latest fad (mid 1980s). The presenter showed a slide of the guarantee from one of the Japanese car firms: 3 year replacement parts free, 1 year labour free, lifetime rustproof, etc. Then he showed the BL guarantee: first 6 months free roadside assistance …
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