Seen on Quora

[eccles]

[eccles]

"I was digging in my back garden in Abingdon and found a stone age axe head, I was 7. I had an interest in archaeology and paleontology anyway, I was actually trying to excavate the burial spot of one of our cats, must've miscalculated the location. Anyway, it's in the town museum now."

Reply:

"Imagine if everybody’s dead cat wound up in the town museum."

[eccles]

What is the technical difference between "stuff" and "things"?
The difference is that things can be stuffed but stuff can't be thinged.

[eccles]

A husband and wife who work for a circus went to an agency to adopt a child, but social workers raised doubts about their suitability:

So the couple produced photos of their motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers were satisfied, but then raised concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

The husband put their mind at ease, saying "We have arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Next the social workers expressed concerns about a child being raised in a circus environment.

The wife explained "Our nanny is a qualified expert in paediatric care, welfare and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied and asked "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

The husband said "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

[eccles]

[eccles]

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied,

"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[eccles]

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager. He didn't. I drank it. Something sweeter? He didn't like Woodpecker cider. I drank that too.

In desperation, I got him a single malt. He totally refused it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so flaming drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.

[eccles]

Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.

After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[eccles]

I suspect that this one applies both sides of the Atlantic.

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said someone might steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position, and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12, and one person to do time studies, GS-1.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin.

Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.

Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cut back overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[eccles]

Sometimes, really silly can be funny. Well, to me anyway.

[eccles]

Hee Haw He hawt to know better:

A bloke goes to a psychiatrist. He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”. Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.” Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”

[eccles]

The Priest and the Rabbi.

Father O’Leary and Rabbi Greenbaum are having their customary lunch together on Wednesday; they’ve been doing this for years.

At some point Father O’Leary says, “Shmueli, my old friend; I’m just curious … have you ever eaten pork?”

Rabbi Greenbaum says, “Paddy, my old friend, how can you ask me such a thing?”

Father O’Leary says, “sorry, sorry … I was just curious. Forgive me.”

There is a moment of silence, but then …

Rabbi Greenbaum says, “Paddy, I’m sorry. I cannot lie to you. … I visited New York City decades ago, and I went into a deli. Nobody knew me, and I said, ‘give me a ham sandwich’. And they did.”

O’Leary and Greenbaum are said, and silent for a moment.

Then Rabbi Greenbaum says, “Well Paddy: have you ever, um, you know … been with a woman?”

Father O’Leary is visibly angered, and says, “Shmueli, Shmueli, how can you ask me such a thing! Of course not!”

Rabbi Greenbaum says, “sorry, sorry, my old friend, … I just wondered…”

They’re both sad for a moment.

But then Father O’Leary says, “Oh Shmueli. I cannot lie to you. When I was in high school, there was this woman named Mary, and we snuck out behind the Autoshop on a summer afternoon, and well….”

Now both Father O’Leary and Rabbi Greenbaum are very sad.

But after a couple minutes, Rabbi Greenbaum perks up. “Better than a ham sandwich, right!”

[eccles]

"If you serve octopus for Sunday lunch, everyone can have a leg."

[eccles]

"I'm The Messiah. I'll answer any question I can, to the best of my knowledge and recollection. What question(s) would you have me answer?"

"No you're not, you're a very naughty boy."

[eccles]

[eccles]

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

[eccles]

[eccles]

Nick had just arrived in Gallow's Gulch and felt himself lucky to find a job as a bartender in the town's one saloon. It was three in the afternoon on a sunbaked day. Four gamblers were at their table grumbling over their cards. A pair of drunks swayed on the barstools. Another drunk slept on the floor, flies swirling around him, landing on and launching from his face. All in all, an ordinary day.

Suddenly, a man burst through the swinging doors and cried out, "Hondo is coming to town!" The gamblers immediately leapt to their feet, abandoned their winnings, and ran for the exits.

The two sitting drunks spun one-eighty on their stools and, facing the front of the bar, staggered off, breaking glass as they dove through the closed windows.

The drunk on the floor began paddling his way to the door. Even the flies scurried into hiding, one cowering and trembling in the shadows of a booth.

Nick stood behind the bar immobile. He had never even heard of this Hondo. He thought, "How bad could it be?" and "Why would this Hondo hurt a friendly bartender?"

Outside the saloon, there came the sound of rolling thunder. It grew louder and louder and was joined by the whinnying of an approaching horse which resounded like the cry of a banshee. It seemed as though a shadow grew over the day, the sun itself hiding from whatever was coming.

The roar of hoofbeats stopped in front of the saloon, followed by the whoosh and flying grit of a dust storm.

Nick heard a mighty boom as the rider dismounted, and crashing steps as he walked toward the saloon entrance. One arm shot out and a swing door flew from its hinges skittering across the floor. The other arm shot out as the door's pair flew across the room and into the mirror which came crashing down.

A beast of a man, seven feet tall, and as brawny as a grizzly, stomped across the barroom floor making craters in the hardwood with each footstep. He plodded up to Nick and slammed a fist against the counter which immediately collapsed. "A bottle of tequila," he yelled.

By now, Nick had lost his nerve and was trembling all over. With shaky hands, he retrieved a full bottle of tequila and handed it to the beast. The man promptly bit off the bottle's neck and spat out the glass. He chugged the contents in one sustained swallow then hurled the empty container across the room into the empty fireplace.

Nick, his entire body rattling, asked, "More?"

The man shook his head violently. "Heck no, I gotta get out of here. Hondo's coming to town."

[eccles]

A Lancashire man’s wife died. She was a proper Lancashire lass but very religious so the husband asked for the epitaph “She was Thine”. When the headstone was up he visited the grave but the epitaph read “She was Thin”, so he called the monumental mason and said “you’ve left the E off”.

When he went back the headstone read “Eeee She was Thin”.

[eccles]

I'm not Islamophobic.

I know there are irreconcilable differences between Sunni and Shia, but I think “I Got You Babe” was a classic.