Well it's that time of year again and I have been making xmas puddings. I have been sampling the brandy too and my crystal ball is a bit blurry so I hope I got the right set of predictions
Aries (March 21-April 19): Tomorrow would be a good day to invade a small third would country, but ensure you have an excuse ready if things should go badly later on. Take a friend along for company and to share the blame.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): A friend will visit on Tuesday. Under no account agree to any sexual liason unless offered large sums of money. Take a bath on sunday just in case. Things to avoid: Personal cheques.
Gemini (April 20-May 20): Oranges are to be avoided between the cusp of Orion and the ascension of Jupiter. A chance encounter with a melon will leave you feeling flustered.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Knowing looks at work will make you nervous on Thurday. Distract them by sending your secretary out to buy a small crocodile. Insist that it be the 6 legged kind.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your telephone will inexplicably stop working later this week. Be prepared with firewood and a thick blanket. Avoid long conversations.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A small boat will pull alongside you on saturday at 4am. Since you live in a high rise this will give rise to a feeling of panic. Just act nonchalant and say "I'll take the next one, thanks"
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your home may be in some danger this week. If you are a member of the royal family some armed guards would be a wise precaution. Commoners should make do with a brown paper bag worn over their head. Things to avoid: Being a commoner.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You will meet a tall dark stranger later this week. If he asks you for money then hand it over quickly as resistence is futile. Things to avoid: Cash machines (and Borg Cubes)
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Beware of black cats. Especially ones who might have plans for world domination
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may feel that you are being followed this week. This is not paranoia. Eamonn Andrews is bringing back 'This is your life' and you are this weeks star.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This is a good time to make major changes in your life. Tomorrow morning you should quit your job and go on a world cruise. This can be financed by leaving the gas on when you go.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you are the leader of a major government consider giving the whole world a wonderful xmas present by retiring and taking up basket weaving.I've got 2 days to hire a secretary and find a crocodile!
Yikes! There's not enough time to get to a third world country so I'm starting small and invading the village hall next Tuesday.
It's the night the WI hold their auditions for this year's nude calendar so it should be quite fun if anyone wants to join my invasion force.
I've got 2 days to hire a secretary and find a crocodile!
It's the knowing looks that bother me. When i do work, I work alone. Anyway, us Cancerians don't believe in such rubbish.Things are not looking good. I didn't manage to con persuade anyone to be my secretary for the day, and the local zoo refused to accept my calls. Sheesh, I only wanted to borrow a little crocodile for the day. So here I am, awaiting the bad mojo!
Isis
Tomorrow would be a good day to invade a small third would country, but ensure you have an excuse ready if things should go badly later on.
Things went badly. I am up in court next week and my excuse is 'Mystic Crystal told me to do it.'I decided on a second opinion so I popped over to Elvira, Mistress of the Dark's website and checked out her Horrorscope.
I'm now on the lookout for a Leo
I read the Leo one first and thought "that's nice' Then I read Cancer and nearly fell off my chair
Good Luck! Actually all horoscopes should be shifted round one because The First Point of Aries is in Pisces due to the earth's precession. I thought you might like to know that. Well it's a pity you didn't speak out until after I attempted my small invasion, Eccles Next Page...
