For-sale ads placed in a UK newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bugger. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbour's dog.
COWS: never bred. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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Tech support:
TS guy: I need you to right-click on the open desktop.
Customer: OK
TS: Did you get a po-up menu?
Customer: No.
TS: OK, right-click again. Can you see a pop-up menu now?
Customer: No.
TS: OK. Describe to me exactly what you just did.
Customer: I wrote click, just like you told me to.
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TS guy: OK, at the bottom left-hand side of your screen, see the START button there?
Customer: Are you looking right at my screen?
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A friend mentioned 'Hilary Swank in the title role of Amelia' but I didn't think she was THAT bad.
I just bought R.Kelly's new album. It had a warning sticker: 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'
Top tip: two used toilet-roll tubes sellotaped together make ideal binoculars for viewing objects that require little magnification.
In the wake of Vernon Kay's apparent infidelity his wife Tess Daly ha sreportedly left him and has already been linked with a host of possible new suitors. One name however she has ruled out as a potential husband: former Big B contestant Jon Tickle.
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: Ayup lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.
Vet: Is it a tom?
Yorkshireman: No, I've browt it wi'us.
That Vet next door to Ronnie Corbett's hardware shop. 
Wonderful, this lot of chuckles!
LOL especially at the unbred cows and gay bull!
And the Yorkshire terrier!